Hidden violence – what you told us is happening behind closed doors

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By Krista Schade

We put out the call, and you answered – hidden abuse is happening right now in our town.

“The nice neighbour you have next door - and have known your whole life - isn’t always who you think they are behind closed doors,” one person told us.

“It happens in ‘good’ families too,” said another.

A third said they were ‘lucky’ because their abuse has stopped.

“Almost everyone has a story. Some are lucky that the abuse stops, like me, but it took me calling the police to have a shock effect to achieve that. I am a lucky one.”

After the recent articles dealing with family violence published in The Riverine Grazier by Kimberly Grabham and myself, we offered our community an anonymous portal to share personal stories.

We received a dozen responses, including two from outside Hay, in neighbouring towns.

They told us of physical violence, including punching, hitting, spitting, kicking and sexual assault. They told us their finances are controlled, and that having their home broken into is a regular occurrence.

One told us of historic child sexual abuse at the hands of an uncle.

One explained how the cycle escalates and repeats, and how it is happening all around us.

“These actions happen by people that we love. It always starts out fine. The perpetrators knock down their victim’s self-esteem, confidence, and make them feel they are alone and that no one cares about them.

“People that have never experienced it don’t know how it starts. With the right information they may be able to help someone before it turns nasty.

“It really needs to be out there what all the types of abuse are.”

Those who came forward to share their experiences did not hold back.

“I wish more people understood that survivors often carry pain and trauma that others never see.

“In small towns, people love to gossip and judge based on what they think they know, especially when they’ve “known someone for years.” They talk without understanding the real story, without ever asking what actually happened.

“Survivors deserve support, not small-town whispers, judgement, or assumptions. What you hear in gossip isn’t always the truth, and your judgement can do more damage than you realise; especially when we don’t have as many resources for help in this small town.”

Two respondents reported that they were currently experiencing violence and controlling behaviour from their partners.

“We also need more places to rent in Hay. It’s the only reason I haven’t left yet.”

Every respondent spoke of the ongoing impact their experiences have left them with.

“For many years I thought that I must be at fault in some way. It has taken many years to feel self-worth.”

“I have trust issues. I always believe that everyone hates me and is judging me.”

They spoke of suffering from diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and living with flashbacks, nightmares, and high startle reflexes. Several spoke of having difficulty establishing or trusting new relationships.

One respondent tried to explain how complex the issue is, when the person meant to care for you, is the one causing you harm.

“You still love, even though you hate. You fear instability more than the outcomes of violence.

“You fear people's reactions and gossip more than you fear not leaving.

“Society needs to take a good hard look at themselves to understand the pressures we put on people, in particular women and mothers.”

In March, The Riverine Grazier editor Tertia Butcher reported on a case before the court at Hay, where a woman was hospitalised for the injuries suffered at the hands of her partner.

“The defendant then punched the victim in the face, bruising her,” Magistrate Wright said in court “He then threw her to the ground where he stepped on her back.”

The defendant admitted to slapping the victim and hitting and slapping her mouth, throwing items and stepping on her, but “not hard”.

It was reported to the court that the defendant said, “I don’t care – if you die you die.” He denied this.

In court his counsel argued it would hurt his prospects of permanent residency and employment if he were to be convicted.

Despite acknowledging the incident would have been “terrifying” for the victim, Magistrate Wright imposed a paltry $900 fine and placed the defendant on a Community Corrections Order (formerly known as a good behaviour order.)

A $900 fine – less than the man’s reported weekly wage – for an attack that left his partner hospitalised and likely traumatised.

It is sentences like this that enrage survivors.

We asked respondents to comment on how violence could be prevented and the theme was the same – the system needs to change.

“It needs to be acknowledged by the politicians, and the legal system needs a total overhaul.”

“Any form of violence or abuse towards any human being, whether female or male, should become a maximum gaol sentence of at least five years. No parole period.”

“No more slap on the wrist. Stop the victim-blaming. Listen to them.”

“DV reports should see a person arrested and charged. AVO (Apprehended Violence Orders) should be mandatory.”

“Breach of AVO in any accounts should land a person in gaol for a long time.”

“Abusers must be forced to do community service and attend counseling and education sessions.”

“Family should be interviewed and be given responsibility in calling in abuse.”

“Women should be empowered to report, even without action so that every abuse is recorded for future evidence.”

“We need more accountability in courts and consequences for providing false information in family court.”

“We need tougher court outcomes. The system is failing.”